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| So out of desperation to vent I have reverted back to my high school geeky asian-ness by going back to xanga...
its been a while, yes, since I last opened this thing, since I last put down my thoughts in any form of media whether by typing or pen. It feels weird/awkward but at the same time, though cliched as it may sound, liberating.
Reading my last entry, it has been a year and half and so much has happened. My best friend nowadays is a white guy from suburbia, I'm in a comfortable, yet complicated relationship, school's a wavering thing, and I'm at my dad's again.
College was not at all what I had imagined. I had remembered picturing it as this hard place where people spend endless hours in the library studying for their classes. Yet, as it turns out, a good chunk of it is partying, thirsty thursdays, skipping classes to sleep, and not knowing what the word "colloquial" means. Seriously now. First semester english was a breeze, all it was was writing papers, and yet tell me why out of a class of maybe 15-20, I'm ONE of TWO people that passed the midterm. Makes you a bit nervous about the literary skills of the future of america doesn't? Second semester english [fiction] was not as easy, but then again, it was a grade level higher than what I was supposed to be in. I enjoyed it though because of the fact that all we did was read fiction and discuss it in class. I always ended up on my sidekick throughout the class due to not paying attention any more. People ask the stupidest questions. I know I sound pompous and arrogant but you just have to be there. Anyways, my other classes were ok. Theology, history, anatomy, spanish for the healthcare profession. That spanish class was useless. Best example: I went out to dinner with jessica last week and this spanish guy asked us how we were doing, in spanish. I answered with a huh? Then I told jess that basically the only thing I know how to say in espanol is AIDS [SIDA!!]. Pathetic. But that's what that class basically composed of.
Yes, my best friend is white. Funny thing is, I had the only crush on him from when I met him up until a little before christmas. His name's Gary and he's from Toms River, NJ. Gary is a bit of an asshole, but we bonded through stale pizza and dirty jokes. Even though he's slammed a door at my face, thrown me around like a paper doll, jumps on me constantly, tackles, and makes fun of my height, I still love the guy. I've spoken to him about basically every problem I've had, mentally, financially, emotionally, since first meeting him and during the first sem when I had 2 hours breaks between classes, he let me sleep in his dorm. We used to see each other everyday but towards the end of the second sem, it dwindled to not so much and since summer started, I barely see him any more. I miss gary.
I have met so many people since the start of the second semester of college. More specifically, I have met ASIAN people. The first sem not so much, but the second one was just a huge jumbled mess of names and faces that I'm proud to say are my friends. `=] I joined the asian club at my school, at the urging of jen lee, who doesn't go any more, and another friend I'd met during summer orientation, kenneth leomo. I have dedicated so much of my time frustrated and otherwise to the organization and I am now the vice president. I ran for pres but because of bullshit drama and pathetic immaturity, I was opposed and the other person won. Whatever. Karma. Through the club, I met the two people I've hung out with a lot all last sem: my bff, giancarlo, and leah. Leah has introduced me to so many people and through those people I've met even more. Its crazy the amount of filipino/asian college students one can meet in a year. It might also have helped that there's a filipino conference every semester for all flip college students in the whole eastern seaboard. People from cali come as well, and I think my boyfriend might bring his midwestern club this sem. The conferences are called FIND standing for Filipino Intercollegiate Networking Dialogue. Interesting stuffs.
So my boyfriend. I've known him for about a little more than a month, and you could also say that we've been together for that long. We've acted as if we were together for the entire month anyways. It's funny how comfortable it feels to have him around and to talk to him and hold his hand. Like I've known him for longer. Like I've been holding that hand for longer. Its crazy how we talk/act like a married couple already, especially with joshua around. It freaks me out a bit seeing as how I've really only know him for like a month and a half. And since he's leaving. He goes to school in st. louis, mo and is really only here for the summer. He's originally from queens, so he's staying with his parents. He's also a bit of a social-whore. But I heart it. He books shows for talents such as jay legaspi and passion, filipino singers/songwriters. I HEART JAY LEGASPI!!! Its crazy how much I've grown attached to this guy and how much I REALLY like him. And even though I know he'll be leaving in a month or so and I probably won't be seeing him in a while and I'm nervous about trusting him with everything I have yet and I'm not confident with myself and don't understand why he's even interested, I'm trying to enjoy it all. And I really don't get what he could possibly see in me. I'm a dorky, geeky, emotional and mental mess. I haven't had an actual relationship in THREE years. I have trust issues and an abandonment complex. Before I met him, I'd resolved to a plan. I was not going to get involved with anyone. Ever. Again. After joshua left for college, I was going to adopt a puppy and just, I dunno, live. I was not going to get a boyfriend or get married in the period of then until forever. I had wanted it to be one of those I put my foot down issues. Damn you jon de castro. I had not wanted to put my feelings out on the line once more to get crushed. But, I wear my heart on my sleeves so any person with sweet words can just woo me and talk me down from my ledge of abstinence from relationships. I'm slowly letting my guard down and if at the end of it all, at the end of the summer, it all falls apart I don't know what I would do, who I'd end up being. Because everyone has that point that when reached, it's all apathy from then on. I've been led on a great deal. And I fall for it every time. Because. I'm a hopeless romantic. | | |
| i hold grudges. i can't help it. i dont think that people should be easily forgiven for their actions. even if it's a stupid little thing. i can't easily forgive. which is probably why i'm always looking at others and asking myself, weren't they at each other's throats just days ago? i dont let things go very easily. this is why it's hard for me to do this, yet at the same time... when people are being assholes, you cant help but hate them. i just now realized what's been going on since september and i'm trying my hardest to make this stupid crush/infatuation go away. *sigh | | |
| 2005 is gone. 6 more months til graduation day. i feel like i cant wait, but i think deep down inside, i dont want to let go. so much has happened in this school, good and bad. i dunno... well, as for 2005, it's been... interesting. new experiences, new job, new friends, seems like everything's completely different. more specifically, the new friends. i would not have expected myself to have gotten as close as i have to these guys. the insiders, the jokes, the stupidity, it's just memorable. ana, toneh, michelle, richmond, mo, ann, carl, and nato. thank you guys for the support and the laughter you've given me the past few months. but of course, the old ones are still there, dear to my heart, though it may not seem like it sometimes. mikey and kevin. you two have been the constants in my high school life [as cheesy as that sounds]. you had always been there for me, day or night, and though we may not hang out as much as we used to, though we may barely talk sometimes, or eat lunch together, or be the first to wish each other happy birthday as soon as that ball dropped, i will still consider you the best friends i have ever had.
it's a new year. i just can't wait.
infatuation out of desperation. thank god it's gone. | | |
| i got "glittens"! yay!
just came home from the mall, shopping for joshua's birthday present and ate lunch. mad people at the mall yo! went with my favoritest juniors in the whole wide world! yay! lol.
i have to say thank you to the loveliest underclassmen in the world: ann, toneh, ana, michelle, nato, and richmond. they actually "listened" and got me the best gift ever: a watch! a really nice watch too!  thank you mr. hot tub for my much needed gift and the really pretty necklace. thank you jedda for the gift. now i just gotta learn how to use it. hehe. thanks to my secret santa, derrick, cuz i can't find mine. i'm so happy for your "contentment". i just have to add that i'm mad happy that `melsa liked her gift. hehe. just dont show your mom, though. 
ok so apparently your "obsession" is mad hott and pretty. screw her and fuh-luck you. `=[
Save yourself.
Because the only thing that matters
is that you get away from the pain
and the thought of losing your mind.
Don't blame yourself.
It was everyone around you who made you act this way.
There's the stage and your chance to watch it go down.
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| *sigh
i'm constantly thinking of you and can't get you out of my mind. what am i to do? this whole infatuation thing is just a whole bunch of bullcrap.
*sigh
senioritis is hitting me really hard. i'm not doing homework that i need to. g'damn. someone smack me. sleep is just so much easier. school and work is just getting too stressing. won't it be nice to just go away with you.
and so i am obviously going to be failing all my APs this year. just not Psych, hopefully. but, sucks for me, doesnt it? fuh-luck APs.
oh yeah...
happy holidays everyone!! | | |
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